As I am settling into my new condo in Bethesda, MD, I think it is time to put myself out there on match.com again. I keep hearing about someone’s friend who met an awesome man she met on Match. Many women have met the right guy through internet dating, I know that, but it hasn’t happened that way for me. (Yes, you have my permission to read anything you like into that…it just hasn’t happened). My ultra independent female friends would say “f-em all, you don’t need anyone!” My softer, gentler friends would pause and position a question not really looking for an answer but rather just putting it out there for me to ponder. They would ask in a slow, quiet voice, “Do you feel the need for someone in your life?”
My life is full with adult children and 12 grandchildren, friends and students, and a multitude of activities that I can certainly do alone or with my women friends. So I probably don’t need someone, but finding someone would be fun.
“So why not make it happen?”, I ask myself. I have certainly had a multitude of interested match.com possibilities and yet after one cup of coffee, I get “ageda” (Italian word, meaning itch) to close it out and go home. The few times I allowed “it” to happen since my divorce, I found that my screening process isn’t without loopholes and for the most part the new man of my dreams is not at all as I thought—clearly not as he presented himself. He was either dishonest and unfaithful, or the anger he said he didn’t have reared its ugly head one time too many.
While walking this morning I heard one of my favorite Blake Shelton tunes that begins with
“My oh my, you’re so good-looking…” and I smiled romanticizing that someone is saying that to me. But then he begged the question, “…Who are you when I’m not looking?”
And that brings me to you and me on a far more important level than dating. Parents, this song refers to you. While you are telling your children to tell the truth, be kind, and help others, is that truly what you do when they are not looking, when no one is looking? Students, while you are studying about how to lead effectively in the industry for which you are preparing yourself, are you applying what you are learning and leading now? And those of you who lead and manage others, I know you are teaching the way, but are you modeling the way as well?
I do not believe we have a work and a personal life. I believe we are one person with a set of values that is obvious whether we are at work, on the tennis court, or at home with our kids, obvious whether we are relaxed or stressed, happy or mad. We are one person. Women with high SUCCESSTROGEN are who they are, 24/7. Their consistent value based behavior defines them.
So thanks to Blake Shelton for another thought provoking song. I know who I am when no was is looking. Maybe in my Match.com profile I will just put the words to his song. Being realistic, I suspect my experience this time on match will be much like any other time. I will have a few good stories to tell and I will meet some really “nice but not for me” kind of men. But just maybe this time I will meet that fun, smart guy who can honestly answer the question “…Who are you when I’m not looking?”